IF IT'S THE 4TH IT MUST BE ELMWOOD PARK

Every Independence Day morn when I was younger found me staking out a spot somewhere along Grand Avenue either alone or with a friend or two,wearing a pair of shorts or needing a sweater, to view Elmwood Park's annual 4th of July parade. As a kid,parades were something we'd only see on television around the holidays or when we were home from school on Columbus Day. On July 4th we were up close and personal with the bands and bombast of a procession of people and floats and fire trucks and things a kid doesn't often get to see,at least before the internet was born.

The parade didn't have the flash of the ones we saw on tv but what did we care? We owned a part of the 4th of July and it was the Elmwood Park parade.

These days I see the parade from a different perspective.... that of a participant. The good folks who organize the parade are kind enough to allow my comedy group,The Harlem Nights Players who have a long history with the suburb, to march in the annual event. The past couple of years they put us aboard a beautiful trolley--our very own bus from which we greeted the assembled crowd while being made to feel a heck of a lot more important than we actually are. Quite a step up for the kid who used to sit on a curb to view the spectacle.

We hop on and off the trolley to greet the crowd,give out flyers and candy and soak up the red,white and blue spirit you so often hear about but don't often get a chance to see . Here are children and adults waving flags, dressed in the colors of the holiday and completely devoted to the spirit of the great summer holiday. There are no factions or frowns because today we're all Americans displaying our pride on this special day in this quaint western suburb with its candy covered streets (courtesy of the parade participants.) A milk company happily gives out samples of their product, every politician the village has to offer gives the royal wave from a shiny car because it isn't a parade minus politicians. Fire trucks from every surrounding suburb blare their sirens and make us hope the surrounding communities are fire free while their brave departments assist in the celebration. We've collected business cards from our fellow parade participants as the spirit of togetherness is not limited to the spectators. We hold up signs promising the crowd free dinner at Armand's. knowing full well the place is closed and the crowd gets the joke adding to the frivolity of the day. A confused elf wanders the route with a sign "Oops Wrong Parade!" No surprise,it's a Harlem Nights Player. Pretty girls,excited kids,classic cars, men from the military and a garage band or two make this part of the tapestry being woven across the country on this 4th of July. A small part but a part nonetheless.

The 2010 event has been a discussion topic for months. Elmwood Park is not immune to the weak ecomony and cutbacks have been put in place. Once the place to be around and on the 4th, the Popular Freedomfest nee "Taste of Elmwood Park" has given way to a one evening celebration with a band and fireworks and none of the bells and whistles that have been the tradition there for years. The parade was a potential casualty too. One day rumor had it the parade would not be held,then it would,then it was going to be altered. Message boards lit up with disgruntled suburbanites who didn't like their holiday tradition trifled with. Elmwood Park officials took to the internet to offer explanations and updates.

And this July 4 @ 10 AM, with no taxpayer money used for its presentation,the latest incarnation of this venerable Elmwood Park tradition steps off once again. I'm guessing the flags will be waved every bit as vigorously as in the past, the crowds will come out rain or shine as they always have and the unique flavor of America will be on display as it always has been in the western suburb. Less flash,a touch less dazzle and a shorter route but no shortage of enthusiasm or patriotism this day I'm guessing.

And the Harlem Nights Players will be there not on a shiny trolley but in a pick up truck instead .Our transportation might be a downgrade but there will be no shortage of the anticipation and enthusiasm we experience each year on the streets of Elmwood Park.

ALL HANDS ON DECK

The time has come to paint the deck. I have been putting it off because it rains every few hours this horrific summer. I found a dry slot recently and ventured outdoors with my can of deck stain and sloppy clothes.It wasn't two minutes,I say proudly,before I had splashed enough paint on myself to simulate an abdominal bullet wound and inadvertamtly started painting the deck floor with a BP like spill that eventually made my black sneakers brown and black.



I enjoy painting and in real life I am not sloppy. But there's something about a bucket of paint and having to get it from that container onto a brush and slapping it on a surface that makes me want to be indelicate. I like to slop that stuff on the surface and smooth it out with my brush and if there is collateral staining on my person or in the immediate area ,these are the spoils of home maintenance.



As I do my work, neighbors pass and as if it's been rehearsed they say "Looks good,Jeff." In reality it doesn't look a lot different from the pre painted deck because I'm using the same color but I appreciate the neighborly support. What doesn't look good is Jeff. I look like a tribal warrior with flecks of brown decorating areas of my anatomy not used to being adorned with deck stain. It's difficult to tell me from a chocolate chip.



One hour into this project I wonder why I was putting myself through this. The ecomony is bad and some handyman would consider painting this deck easy money. It was fun for awhile but now when turning back is not an option, I wish I were cavorting with pit bulls.



I factored in the fact that no rain woukld fall on me but less predictable were the free falling acorns from an oak tree that is generally deck friendly with the shade it provides and all. Now as I pant and paint I am being hit in the head by nature's bb's which,after hitting me,rest in the wet paint.



I'm not known for being a handy guy. My other wonderful qualities mask the fact that I need to check the internet before I change a light bulb. Many of the neighbors are aware of this, having seen a cavalcade or construction experts,handymen and Jehovah's Witnesses performing a number of services at my home. This explains why neighbors sitting outdoors are craning their necks,pointing in my direction and rubbing their eyes in disbelief. I'm feeling my oats now,painting in confident,sloppy strokes,letting the paint fall where it may,sweating the sweat of a man of competence and in the process, doing something that makes my home look better instead of hiring someone. For one brief shining moment,I'm handy. I make certain I look like I know what I'm doing hoping they can see me even though it's getting dark and so am I...what has brown done for me? I have been painting for six hours and the deck is done. But some of the boards that adorn the front of the deck need replacing and I'm in a groove. I grab a hammer, a nail and a new board and start to hammer it in place. Look neighbors! I don't just paint! I hammer...I replace and repair! I might even have a business card made.



It's now dark and both the deck and I are painted and one of us needs a second coat. I've put in a sloppy days work and shown the neighborhood that when push comes to shove, I need the help of no one when something needs to be done. The second coat can wait until tomorrow when again I will reopen the can of stain, get the brush out of the baggie and mess myself like an incontinent pigeon. But afterward whenever I sit on that deck with friends and family I can proudly tell the story of a man and his brush and one summer evening when we combined to make the neighborhood think I was as handy as a carpenter, but only I knew it was actually Karen.

BETTY WHITE GETS ME IN TROUBLE

Betty White is everywhere these days. This spunky,slightly saucey senior is the hottest thing in show business. In fact, "Hot In Cleveland" is her new TVLand sitcom and she was razor sharp in its premiere. When J Z dedicates a rap song to you and you're 88, well,that's one of the ways you know you're happening.

Last night as we watched Betty's SNL hosting gig rerun, a friend brought up an unexpected topic. He contended that way back when, Betty was even saucier than she is today. In fact,she appeared without a great deal of clothing on a deck of 1940's playing cards.

That's the stuff you could discuss without resolution for days when Betty was 50. You'd have to write TV Mailbag or Parade Magazine to find out if Betty ever approached the buff. But these days,a few computer keystrokes and any fact can be verified or voided. And sure enough, I was soon staring at the Inquirer website screaming "Betty's Nude Shocker." There was a picture of Betty at 88 next to a 1940's playing card that had her sitting on her legs,wearing earmuffs and not much else,with strategically located stars added by the Inquirer. In fact,this picture was shown on David Letterman's show in 1985 with Betty as guest and back then, she joked about it. The details are online now.

The purpose of this essay is not to judge Betty on her decision to bare most of it or her current dismay at the re-emergence of the pictures. Betty's bare facts got me booted off the FB friends list of a buddy I've known for a good many years.

In order to show the picture to others in the room with me at the time, I put it on my FB page as a profile picture for no more than 60 seconds that morning and it may not have been that long. I removed it quickly,not because I think it was objectionable (nothing is on display) but because I didn't want it as my profile pic,. I just used it as a forum to briefly display the pic to folks looking over my shoulder.

I got back to my FB page moments later and had a message from a buddy telling me I would have to be banned from their FB page for my profile pic which was now an american flag. I thought it was a joke until I checked my own friends list and found myself one short.

I know that kids who probably shouldn't have FB pages might gravitate to my former FB buddy's page and see a scantily clad but discreetly covered former starlet and I'd like to think I'm wise enough to get that though I find nothing inherently wrong with the picture. But the lightning quick speed at which I was consigned to the internet ether by a buddy who should have more faith in my judgement was disturbing. If BP could move half this fast, the mess could have been cleaned up a lot oilier. I mean earlier.

So Betty White has cost me a FB buddy and now I may never get my fan page. But let this serve as a cautionary tale. You're on Facebook and someone is always watching. But maybe only for a few short seconds and with an itchy delete finger.

Deal the cards,Betty!

WHY CAN'T IT JUST RAIN ANYMORE?

I was just watching the kids take some delight in a downpour that occurred here awhile ago. Some had umbrellas,some did not but all enjoyed the surging shower that punctuated a cloudy and humid afternoon. As they enjoyed this wet gift from nature, inside the television ran a crawl warning us that this hard rain merited a flash flood alert. "Don't drown,turn around" one station advised as if speaking to an audience full of Dr.Seuss fans.

In case you haven't noticed,rain these days generally comes with a warning label. We can't have a summer thunderstorm without being warned via half the TV screen that dangerous weather was in the area. We don't just get rain anymore. We get a flood warning, a weather watch, a plea to get away from the windows or put off traveling. Words like "dangerous" , "damaging" and "drown" and "threatening" . The TV beeps,the radio beeps... The rain clouds are now foreboding and the pleasure of a summer rain breaking up the heat and humidity has been lost. What we once called "electrical storms" that had us almost entertained by the power of nature are now to be feared. Any thunderstorm can produce a tornado,we are warned lest we dare enjoy the thundery moment. Radar red might as well be a runaway train headed at us. It's a watch,it's a warning..it's trouble and take cover.

I hate to harp on the old days but rain minus lightning used to keep us playing ball, tag or hopskotch and the heck with the elements. They couldn't send us inside,they aided in our enjoyment. Sure, it was no match for a good snow,(now known as "Blizzard warning!" "Winter weather advisory!" "Don't travel!") but it was summer's watery answer and it was fun.

Whether we are warned so we can't say "Why didn't you warn us?" should a storm show its teeth-likely or not- or whether weather reports are now part information part TMZ I can't say. Applaud the technology that keeps us informed and safe,mourn the loss of a summer thunderstorm that is part of the fabric of this season.

Memo To The Blackhawks: Lose Tonight And You're The Cubs

It wasn't that many years ago but the memory is still fresh. The Cubs, full of promise and youth and considered the best team in baseball was up by a game to the Florida Marlins. Two young and talented aces Greg Prior and Kerry Wood needed to win just a game between them and the Cubs would get to the World Series for the first time in forever. No way the upstart Marlins could pull this off. And the rest is another chapter in the sad history of the Chicago Cubs who never recovered and still search for the holy grail of baseball.

Cut to Sunday evening when a youthful and talented Chicago Blackhawk Hockey club - considered by experts to be the best team in the NHL take the ice with two young talented captains, Kane and Towes just two games short of hockey's prize just as they were Friday and just as they were Wednesday. The statistics speak for themselves. . . any team that opens the finals winning the first two games wins the Stanley Cup. It's happened a startling 31 of 33 times. An article on NHL.com paints the picture ... The Flyers would have to make history to wind up winning the Cup now. Of course that was written before Philadelphia outplayed, outwitted and outlasted (Sorry, Survivor) the Hawk in 2 games in their building. Like Prior and Wood, Kane and Towes have yet to make the impact their promise and skill indicated they would. Like the ill-fated Cubs, the Hawks look a bit desperate, a bit overwhelmed and a little tired as well. Just two games from further electrifying a city that is enjoying ice in June, the Hawks seem to be running only on fumes and very much in danger of extending the hideous sports legacy this city has come to almost expect save for a few memorable exceptions.

Tonight the Hawks can set themselves apart from the horror of a Cub-like collapse, incinerating a season of thrills and promise and relegating it to another disastrous memory. "Remember when the Hawks were just 2 games from the Cup and never won another game??" No one will talk about the achievements, just the bitter end.

Worse yet, a 7th seeded team with the villainous Chris Pronger and fans who are famously among the most boorish, crass, classless and ignorant stands to skate around the Stanley Cup Wednesday night around 10:15 Chicago time which was seen as impossible a week previous.

How do we avoid this latest possible humiliation? How do we keep this season of promise from going down in flames? How about displaying a sense of urgency right after the puck drop? How about shooting rubber at Flyer second string goalie Michael Leighton and shelving the pretty passing and finesse that has marked Hawk efforts against vanquished foes? More shots, more attack, more speed. It is difficult to play against a team who has one more player than has your squad. The Hawks are either stupidly taking penalties and falling into the Flyers trap or the refs have been watching Chicago with a bit more care. Sure everyone wants to slam Pronger and Curcillo but it would be so much more satisfying to see those two villains made to skate down the line and shake hands with every Hawk about to sip from the Stanley Cup. That, to Hawk fans counting on a rare Chicago championship, would be lasting and satisfying. A hit in the head to a bothersome Flyer would provide only a quick high 5 among Chicago fans who want and need so much more.

We intended to be in a bar tonight, desiring to be amongst our Hawk brethren when the magic moment came after 49 years. But the lack of firepower and indeed the lack of fire has sidetracked those plans and maybe for a long time.

Instead, we will gather in house to see if the Hawks can rebound. Indeed most experts had been predicting the Hawks in 6 and that could happen. But the momentum is wearing orange and if the Hawks don't come out showing the Flyers and everyone else they want this thing, then hey hey holy mackerel, no doubt about it, they are the Cubs. On ice.