SOME WEEKEND DISPLAYS OF DUMB

Three incidents of inanity from the weekend past:

We're at Applebees to celebrate a buddy's birthday and our server seats us at a table that affords us little room to navigate.We ask him if we might move to the corner booth just behind us and as a good service person should,he complies in a willing and friendly manner.

As we sit enjoying our drinks,the manager approaches us and asks who it was that allowed us to move to this corner table which is always set aside for groups of 5. We were a group of 4 plus birthday gifts. We didn't wish to indict our kind server and in fact were surprised to be put on the spot in this manner. Seems a little unprofessional .

"We don't want to get anyone in trouble,"one of us told the manager. "We won't will we?"

Offering no consolation the manager said we would indeed be getting someone in trouble as we shouldn't have been seated there. We finally told him our server permitted the move,lest he think we made the decision on our own. He walked away from the table as we feared the worst for our kind server but we partied on.

Moments later our waiter came to the table and apologized but he was not supposed to have allowed us in this hallowed corner booth because after all,we were only 4 people and birthday gifts not 5...and we had to move. We weren't pleased and we began the exodus,with our waiter's apologetic help,to a smaller table with dimmer lighting which meant no gift opening. I asked our waiter( who was merely acting on orders for a clueless manager named Duane, ) given the inconvenience and the lesser seating (we could see the vacated corner booth which remained empty for our entire time there) if our birthday celebrant might be afforded a free piece of cake. I would have rather it had been offered as I had never requested anything free in a restaurant in my life but this seemed like the time. We scored the cake.

How stupid is it for a manager to uproot a group happily enjoying themselves in his establishment to relocate them in lesser and more crowded seating while the booth they vacated remained empty? What happened to "the customer is always right"? What was the point? At Applebees on Grand, don't get too comfortable in your seat. You never know when Duane will want to relocate you.

* * *

Saturday was the anniversary of the passing of my friend's mom. I must identify the family to make the point. The Martocci Family had gathered to honor the memory of the matriarch,Concietta Martocci. Some had come from other parishes. When it came time to announce the names of the people this mass was honoring, the lector christened my friend's mom "Con see etta Mariachi." It was one of many miscues but the one of which the family was most aware. Anyone can error but is there no such thing as pre reading,of asking for assistance with a tough name or word? It shows a lack of respect for those to whom this is an important moment and it would be nice if lectors keep in mind that pronounciation is a large part of their job. Mariachi?

* * *

My antisocial neighbor who is a genuine grump, a fact with which other neighbors would firmly agree, is home from work each day at 3 PM and off on weekends. This affords him a good amount of time to mow his lawn. It then becomes a fair question to ask why he insists on doing that task at 9 AM on Sunday , smashing the peace of the week's most laid back morning? Is it passive aggression? Is it a power trip? (He will decide when the neighbors awaken!) Or is he just country dumb?

THIS JUST IN: THE NEWS TEASE IS OBSOLETE

Just about every tv news department does it. You see the anchorperson come on just before or after your show and hint at a late development in an important news story in the hope you'll tune in for the rest of the story next newscast. Who are they kidding?

That ploy might have worked in the long ago but in these days of instant communication any curiosity or interest they are trying to engender goes for naught unless they are courting amish viewership. Just a moment ago a local tv news shop tried to get me to take the bait regarding the days events in the Blago trial. First,because I keep pretty close watch on current events I knew,but had I been preoccupied all day and unaware, I would not wait til the 10 pm newscast. I'd log on and read it online and watch whatever newscast or program I wanted to watch at 10.

It seems to me that instead of trying to unsuccessfully peak our curiosity with a whiff of a news story, they might instead billboard a feature or special report unique to their broadcast.
I would then be a little less insulted at the attempt to tease me into watching their show. But that's just me.

REDISCOVERING PIE

Driving around doing errands on an uncomfortable morning during the worst summer in recent memory in a car with no air conditioning, I voluntarily remained in my sauna on wheels to listen to at least PART of a song I hadn't heard in a long while. "American Pie" by Don McLean.

I'm an old rock and roll guy,I admit,and songs from the 60s 70s and 80's populate my ipod. (Okay,I have given in to SOME modern technology) but "American Pie" recalls a time when music was available on vinyl and the song itself chronicled the very story of a music in its infancy--a story that continues to this day.

Don McLean wrote a masterpiece and when it first came out,had there been the internet and message boards and blogs and Twitter, all of them would be lit up with talk about the meaning of this tune. I vividly recall many columns and DJ radio chatter dissecting "Pie" and translating all of McLeans metaphors. On Sportscenter they'd call this "breaking it down". Decades later, it's a wonder we wondered at all. Though McLean has not gone on record (no pun intended) with official word , this is the story of 3 rock and roll pioneers and the effect they had,with of course,their music,on the life of a young man-Don McLean. The Big Bopper,Richie Valens and Buddy Holly-the holy trinity of McLean's musical world all met their tragic end in a plane crash and the song recounts his pain and the everlasting imprint these early idols,that time period and that music had on his life.

At the time of its release, this was my favorite song. I remember being angry when the song was snubbed for a Grammy Award. I sang it,I played it,I even interpreted it for a music column I was writing at the time. But the ensuing years pushed it further and further down on the lists of songs of which I loved to listen. Tainted by self indulgent off key karaoke singers who monopolized the mic for seven minutes of insult to this classic, it became a song I wished would go away so these off key crooners would quiet down.

And then this morning I heard it again as it was supposed to be heard. Don McLean singing his song and telling his story and reminding me of why I fell in love with this piece of music in the first place. An extra minute or so in a muggy vehicle, a small price to pay for a trip back into rock and roll history--both his and mine.

THE RULES OF KIDDING AROUND.NO,I'M SERIOUS!

I'll not deny that I am a graduate of the school of sarcasm and that occasional cutting remarks find their way from my brain to my mouth . Yet I like to think the heart also plays a role. While no one can be perfect, I think more often than not my kidding manages to remain within certain boundaries because I know my audience. That audience is made up of friends ,most of whom have known me for a very long time and know that I would not intentionally wound them with a verbal shot. Indeed, many of the intended targets wind up laughing themselves and realizing that it is all in good fun,no harm intended. I make it a point to tease only those people whom I like a great deal. I would never tease,kid or insult someone I did not know and did not like.

There's nothing quite so uncomfortable as being witness to someone who has gone too far and has misjudged the audience and has to point out that he/she was kidding or even apologize. So I quickly jotted down some rules for kidding (also called teasing) to keep things good natured.

1)Tease only people with a sense of humor
2)Tease only people who know you like them a great deal
3)Never tease someone in front of a child,stranger or business associate
4)Never tease anyone about something that is out of their control
5)Don't include relatives in any kind of kidding under any circumstances. A person may regularly insult their brother,sister or parent but that's off limits to you because it's THEIR brother,sister or parent.
6)If you are going to dish it out,you must also take it. Laugh at yourself and accept good natured kidding from friends as a sarcastic valentine.The ability to laugh at oneself is a gift.
7)If you get punched in the head,you may not have judged your audience correctly.